A Liz Less Ordinary...

Time: the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues

Space:  the distance from other people or things that a person needs in order to remain comfortable

reality: something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily

hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation 

healing: to make sound or whole

I understand the reasons. I understand that it wasn’t because you didn’t care, but because you cared enough to know that one minute past feeling the way you felt would’ve meant even more endless heartache for me. I’m not sure you know what you want, what you’re looking for, what I am in context to that beyond one of the best girls you’ll ever know. It’s not one fundamental thing I’m missing, it’s something you’re not feeling. I understand more of this than I want to, and yet I’m still confused. And I still love you. I miss you, and I just saw you, but that’s pretty normal for me. It’s just that I can’t keep telling you how I feel, or texting you about stupid shit. I don’t know what the future holds, so I hold hope in the future.

I’m really trying to be strong and brave. So so hard. But I still can’t fucking stop crying. 

When I look back on this, on us as a we, I will see it as something that taught me more than I could ever tell you. And I might tear up, I might lose my train of thought and laugh at an inside joke, or sigh at a memory of your hands on me. But I won’t regret, I won’t regret a moment for a minute. You and I, we were, we are… supposed to be in each others lives. I can’t imagine it without you, and even if I can’t have you the way I thought I would, I’ll take you as a friend and see how that goes. Because you gave me so much to smile about, and to strive for, and to feel good about. I will never forget you, so it’s best that we don’t lose each other. I will always always love you, and trust you, but that doesn’t me I can’t change the love into something like friendship. It doesn’t mean I can’t trust you even if I can’t hand you my heart right now. 

Tuesday, Nov 29th, 2011 — You may be uncomfortable with what’s happening in a relationship, yet you now have an opportunity to push beyond your fears. Although you tend to hold on to what’s familiar because it fosters security, it’s time to take an emotional risk. Don’t play it safe; do what you can to align your actions with your needs. You may be pleasantly surprised if you take the initiative today to stretch past your old limitations and try something new.

In 24 hours I will be having a discussion that will help me move forward. I’m not sure how it will go, I don’t even know what I’ll say… but I will have to be clear about it, and confident, and I’ll have to make sure I don’t just lay a bunch of anger or guilt on the table and walk out. That would be so immature. Depending on the moment, it’s tempting as all get out, but it wouldn’t become a lady to use those emotions to get a reaction. There are things I want to say, things I’d like to know one minute and don’t know if I want to know the next, and things that probably will never make sense, even if they are explained. And while I think I know where I’ll take it to start with, I worry I’ll look at his face and forget what I meant to articulate. Lord, give me strength, this is already taking more courage than I thought I had. 

I woke up in a complete panic attack this morning. I know what it is, it either came to me in a dream or just is very evident from having felt like this before. I’m stressed to the hilt, and that’ll do it, let me tell you, but what this actual physical reaction to is my emotional vulnerability and the fact that I’m going to have to expose it to say what needs to be said. This anxiety is the result of a girl who put it out there, and now fears she didn’t do it right, and now she still feels, but she lost the boy. 

I’m sitting in the middle of angry as shit and benefit of the doubt. And I have to find the part where I can put my heart into it without letting my hurt play too much into it. 

It’s all so simple, until it gets so fucking complicated.